DISCLAIMER: Hi Dad. Instead of reading this post, why don't you check out www.funwithtrains.com.
Love, Your Daughter.
You never forget your First Kiss. Or your First Love.
Or your First Anal Probe.
Yes, you read that right.
As if pelvic examinations aren't humiliating enough, when I was pregnant with M, thanks to a bit of suspected intestinal bleeding during a bout of stomach flu, I was given a very thorough, very extensive examination in the ER at Kaiser.
And now you know.
(Seriously, Dad. www.funwithtrains.com.)
Anyway, I've tried to forget that night in the ER -- my ass hanging over the side of a gurney while Dr. Doesn't Feel Good told me to relax as he pulled on a pair of latex gloves. During the exam, I sobbed, scared shitless that I had a perforated ulcer or e-coli, and might lose the fragile life inside of me. Meanwhile, Dr. Doesn't Feel Good made small talk while I gritted my teeth. After a jovial monologue on the weather, he patted my leg, and said "all done." Then, he handed me a Kleenix and I dried my tears. "Umm, he said, giving me a meaningful look as he handed me another tissue. Oh. Shit.
I should have at least made him buy me dinner.
Fastforward two and a half years.
A few weeks ago the magical elves who trawl my friends list and the friends lists of my friends on Facebook, recommended a friend for me to add. How special! I love new friends! So, I clicked over, and there he was, smiling directly at me from his facebook profile picture -- he who has boldly gone where no man's gone before: Dr. Doesn't Feel Good.
Way to get all Big Brother on my ass, Facebook.
What? He didn't get to poke me enough?
Friday, June 4, 2010
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And now, me and the cybersphere (with a hopeful exception of your father) will never forget your first anal probe either!
ReplyDeletethank you for giving me the courage to post this :) you're wonderful.
ReplyDeleteAmbivalent, violently so... I recalled the horrors of my first anal probe, which was actually involved several probings and assistants... There was a big problem. A giant impacted problem. I hadn't, ehem, evacuated my colon in over two weeks, which sounds bad enough, but I must confess that this was after a particularly lavish Thanksgiving feast. Every muscle in my alimentary canal began clenching as I read, but the laughter lulled even my sphincter relaxed. Basically, I laughed so hard, I shit myself.
ReplyDeletehaaa.
ReplyDeleteand now i did, too.
thank you for that.
I know what you mean about Facebook getting freaky sometimes. It once recommended my shrink as a possible friend.
ReplyDeleteI luckily haven't had an anal probe but my hubby had a pandescopy and colonoscopy done last year and after reading Ozzy Osbourne's autobiography I was upset hubby's doctor didn't ofeer him a DVD of the experience like Ozzy's doctor did.
ReplyDeleteI would not friend my doctor; either my Endocrinologist or my eye surgeon. Also, I don't usually friend clients. Rabid compartmentalism isn't good but some people you don't want to meet or discuss politics and religion with.
ReplyDeleteI am amazed that your father reads you.
Oh my! Did you "friend" him? I wouldn't! An anal probe? I have never gone there... although I will admit to something really embarrassing just to make you feel better: when I was in labor, I pooped. I know it happens a lot, and I really wasn't that embarrassed. But it certainly isn't something that is talked about a lot, and it also isn't something I readily share. But for you... I did. You're welcome! Have a fabulous day!
ReplyDeletefun post...
ReplyDeleteBest wishes 4 u on relationships, love, career, and life...
No probes for me (yet), but, like Melissa, I was going to share the story with you of how I pooped my guts out while delivering my firstborn. :)
ReplyDeleteawesome. now my butt hurts.
ReplyDeleteHAAAHAAA!!! (I've been probed too, so I can laugh.)
ReplyDeleteLet's just say I'm not allowed to eat dumplings for three months before labor anymore. My son'll be 8 months soon and my husband just ate them for the first time (since the birth) yesterday. :-D
lmbo that sounds like my luck lol.. but I have been there thanks to my oldest whose birth left me with 32 stitches literally from butthole to bellybutton nearly.
ReplyDeletewait? was he cute?
ReplyDelete